ColorMEGreen

Tragically, I find myself caring about this website more than any reasonable man would. Essentially, it means nothing. It stands no grounds whatsoever. It's just an average URL you casually type into your navigational address bar with lazy keystrokes and aside from servers and the ever-present Google is supported fully and solely by some come and goer's tepid thoughts and ideas. Random written attempts at captivating; sitting and eagerly awaiting like minded folks as to not drown in my own delusions.

It doesn't matter who's to blame for what I've become. It doesn't matter who I resent or who I'm thankful for. For Christ's sake, I am what I am and it's certainly not as if I can turn it back and rearrange the events that have successfully shaped me. Here I am, alluding I am more similar to putty than to organic life, but do not mistake me for a possession.

"Life is meaningless the moment you lose the illusion that you are eternal."

What does getting a diploma mean anyway? I guess it's subjective; perhaps it all depends on who you ask. Either way, ultimately somewhere down the line it might mean the same thing to everyone: that this society we've established is mostly intolerant and mechanical. A sheet of paper is more important than genuine capabilities as if that certified documentation from that strategically confined course of education determines how well you'll succeed in life, in building a career for yourself and providing for your family, assuming you'll have one. I look around, even within my own family, and I easily realize that this beloved stamp of approval isn't all that special. Has the general public gone deaf and blind or are their senses simply sharper and overwhelmed by heaping servings horse shit? How important could it be when schools strategically drop their passing grade requirements in order to accommodate their general success rate? How important could it be when these learning institutions and facilities are more concerned with saving face than encouraging their participants to progress and excel? It doesn't define me. Public education doesn't define me. Whether people would like to admit it or not, only a relatively small percentage of covered material in a public school curricular proves handy, depending on your personal interest and career choice of course. Usually success rates are products of personal interest and/or pressures to succeed as an individual by those around you. Regardless, a piece of paper certainly does not define me.

Maybe I'm just hellbent and determined to defy expectations, which might or might not be an entirely negative quality. I'd like to say I'm aiming for something worthwhile while I'm sure others would easily dispute that claim as I'm not technically aiming for anything in particular at the moment. Maybe the most predominant factor is that very uncertainty. I know who I am. I'm not sure who I want to be. Maybe I subconsciously want to be less fortunate and wind up in a homeless shelter in order to remain a "free spirit" despite the odds of others. At this age, I shouldn't envy my peers.

A few seconds ago, I was looking out the living room window into my front yard, watching my dog blindly look up the length of our driveway, standing still, alert, and uncertain of what was ahead, if anything. Does this lessen his quality of life? And if I were to have slightly averted my gaze to the right I'd have been staring at my idle car, and even though I couldn't see that its battery was dead, I knew that it was and that imagining the car moving at this point is just me fantasizing about some vague perception of independence and equal opportunity. Minutes before I had just had a discussion about success and living life to your fullest potential with my grandmother which was ironically unsuccessful as she clearly heard me but did not listen. Moments later I briefly spoke with a girl by means of her new Sidekick (she dropped her last one in the toilet of all places) while she was out shopping for herself.

Which, given the date, appropriately brings me to Christmas, the jewel-encrusted crown on the head of a monolithic beast made of all the unfounded and foolish holidays ever conceived. Originally another delusional religious holiday, this time thought or forcibly believed to be a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, now an entirely superficial experience that marks shopping centers as the new and improved holy Meccas. So I think to myself: if I don't believe that this marks the birth of the Lord and if I can't rightly participate in this abundance of self indulgence and haphazard gift giving, why bother celebrating this day? Perhaps this shall be my last attempt. Our prosthetic tree is tacky anyway.

Color me foolish. Color me disenchanted. Color me hopeless. Color me whatever you have the will to color me. I've a full pallete.

Sincerely,